Sometimes people throw out words like “soulmate” and “lifelong love” or even “the one”.  Based on that characterization, we begin to let our minds think that we need to be with this person.  We have to have them in our life.  We begin to long for them.  They occupy most of our thoughts and we may even envision a family with them.  So we pursue them and the courtship begins.  You have the dates and the walks in the park or by the river.  Late night tv at her or his place.  Dinner with other “couples” at their place, a restaurant or your place.  Whatever may be, time moves along and if things are right, the two of you start to feel that you’re compatible.  You start to become more intimate and one day you decide to take the relationship to the next level.  You introduce coition, copulation, intercourse, sex! 

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Ah, the moment of bliss.  Sex is finally a part of the relationship and boy is the sex great.  She wants you.  You want her.  Just about every waking moment that you have a chance, you two engage in sex.  Things are going good and you’re feeling great about each other for a few months but then things slow down a bit.  The pressures of work and everyday living become evident again.  Not that they went away, you were just blinded to them by the great sex you were having.  Now that you have gotten kinda accustomed to having sex with each other, your mind begins to notice "things" again.

That doesn’t mean that the sex is bad or waning.  No. Quite the contrary.  It just means that you have gotten past the initial blinding flash and now are seeing the picture clearly again.  The sex is still good but now it's  become part of your life’s routine.  This is where the danger in longtime relationships lies.  Your life’s routine.

You are going to be with somebody for a lifetime.   He or she is the one.  You’re still excited when you see them.  When you hear their voice.  The sex is still good.  So you decide to make that commitment.  For some people that is marriage.  For others it’s co-habitation.  Whatever the case, you’re living together.  Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, three hundred sixty-five days a year.  It’s very hard not to return to your life’s routine when you are with somebody that much.  So things around your life's routine start to seem routine.  Even the great sex you were having. 

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Sex doesn’t stop being good.  No.  What happens is sex becomes part of the routine of your life.  Yeah, you make the occasional date night or bring home flowers or cook dinner or run a bath or two but the reality is that sex has become part of your life’s routine.  It has to become part of your life’s routine or else you wouldn’t be having any sex.  What it doesn’t have to become, though, is routine in itself.  Too often we allow sex to become routine because it fits so easily into our life’s routine.

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We wake up one day and feel that our sex life isn’t what it used to be.  Why not?  Because it’s become part of our life’s routine?  Because we don’t focus on it like we should?  Because we dont’ put the effort into it to make it a part of our routine but not let it be routine.  It’s too easy to under sell sex when you live with somebody.  You have lives that need attending too so you start making and accepting excuses about your sex and the routiness of it all.  We actually get caught up trying to justify and validate that our sex lives are now routine.

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Shame on us.  Sex is anything but routine.  When you look at sex for what it actually is or rather should be, you can see clearly that it is anything but routine.  The power that sex has is second to none.  Kings and countries have gone to war over good sex.  Check the history books.  Every religion employs and enjoys sex.  The thing to remember is that sex needs to be respected and valued for what and how important and powerful it really is.  We casualized sex so much in our society that many people have lost sight of the beauty, grace and power of sex.

So, what can be done to return sex to it’s rightful place in longterm relationships?  A lot.  A whole heckuva lot to be honest.  Sex shouldn’t be used as a weapon.  Don’t withhold sex to punish or manipulate your partner.  That’s not right and that’s not fair.  Of all the things that can be done in a relationship, sex is the one thing that requires your partner to be there to do their part in order for it to be completed.  You can eat alone.  You can watch a movie alone.  You can exercise alone.  You can read a book alone.  You can go for a walk alone.  You can’t copulate alone.  Self-Service does not qualify as sex as it should be.  It may serve to stave off an attack of loneliness but it does not and should not replace coition.  Forcing your partner to resort to that as their only means of sex in your relationship is wrong and might just send your partner outside of the relationship.  But that’s another blog for another day. 

So,  knowing how important, vital and powerful sex is, it only makes sense to do things to take the routine out of it.  You need to add color.  Add spice.  Add variety.  There are all kinds of tools, toys, movies, games, clothes and props to help you do just that.  Be willing to explore and add whatever it takes to make your sex the “non routine” thing it was when you were deciding that, yeah, this is my soulmate, my lifetime partner, the one.  After all, you’re in this for the long haul and you deserve to have the best that life has to offer.  What’s life offer that’s better than sex between two adults who love each other in a committmed relationhip?

Here’s to sex, in all it’s glory, power and grace.
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